Did you know it’s okay If my kids don’t want to talk about school, and perfectly normal? One day you go from having a kid that tells you everything they did at school to have them come home with little or nothing to say to you, and as expected, this gets you very worried. You just keep wondering why your child won’t just tell you about what went on during their day, or they just give you the same thing every day – I am usually met with ‘William what did you do today?’ To which he replies ‘Nothing’. What did you eat today at School ‘I don’t know, I’ve forgotten’. ‘So, William what did you do/learn today’ is usually met with the single answer ‘nothing’. Upon speaking to the parents in the playground, you will know you are not the only one dealing with this problem; it is almost universal worldwide.
It is challenging for parents to get information out from their children. When children know that you won’t let them off without trying to pry out information from them, they simply feed you some crumbs so that you can let them be. If you are new to this experience or you are not there yet, you will learn that it does not get any easier. There is a possibility that once it begins, it would remain like that even till they have completed with a-levels or college. Yes, you may never get them to tell you anything that they do not feel like sharing.
SO WHY WON’T THEY JUST TELL YOU?
You are probably sweating it and wondering if the children do not love you any more or maybe they are going through difficulties and crises that you want to save them from only if they can talk to you, but most times, it is really never is the case. You are probably just worried about nothing.
At a young age, some children are very willing to share their experiences from nursery or school with their parents. They will tell you even the most ridiculous things that they did and how the other student put spaghetti on their hair. So much detail from them when they are at a certain age until one day they no longer share anything. The problem is not that they do not want to share; it is that they cannot share. It is not to say that they are into something shady that they would rather not talk about, but it is merely their mental capacity to willfully recollect everything that happened to them through the day, or what they ate, and share it with you.
At a particular age, children do not even make sense of the school environment where they spend most of their day. They don’t know to understand what is actually going on. So when you ask them about their day, they genuinely do not know what to say. Children from ages five and below may lack the capability to tell you what happened throughout their time in school. So do you now wait till they are over six years old? Well, you will most likely hit a stone wall even then because, at the age when they are aware of what happened throughout their day at school, they no longer want to tell you. Good luck trying to get information from a teenager that does not want to talk.
IS IT A HOPELESS SITUATION?
The mind of most children cannot willfully remember everything that they did in a day. They cannot merely search in their minds without a guide to tell you the things you want to know about their day. So what do you do about it?
According to the research carried out by most neuropsychologists, Children can remember things when you give them cues when you ask them questions that guide them towards remembering the information that you want to get from them. For example, children will not remember and give you so much when asking them “what was your day like?” They would give you blank responses like a good, had lunch, test and played outside. The routine stuff is all you’ll get. However, if you ask them a question like “did you work with a friend?” “did you play with a ball or on the swing?” and such other cue questions you will be helping them remember more and guiding them towards telling you what you need to know.
You probably think that you would require more sophisticated tactics with the older children, but the same thing works with them as well. As children advance towards a different developmental cycle, especially the ages before the teenage, they simply do not want to tell you anything anymore. They become apprehensive and irritable when they are asked questions, and this is because they are now aware of the consequences of not just their actions but their words too. They weigh the right and wrong in their efforts, and since they are not always sure of what might be approved or not, they choose not to say so much or say nothing.
Children would rather listen to you go on and on about your day than tell you anything. They will pay rapt attention to you while you talk so that you do not ask them questions. They would rather avoid questions generally. Understanding that older children are trying to avoid questions can usually help you guide them towards sharing things with you.
Older children are most likely to join a conversation when they want to share relatable information or certain similarities and polarities. If you tell older children that you are nervous about a massive project that you are working on they might take the cue to tell you about a test that they are worried about and they do not know how to handle. You must, however, be very careful about the older children finding out that you are finessing information from them as that could lead to resentment.
You must also bear in mind that these tactics may not get them to talk. Children are different, and what works for Sophie may not work for William. So you are better off observing and understanding your child to know what works for each of them. Also, resist the urge to force your child to tell you things. When you pressure children, they begin to keep things from you and become scared of you.
IT’S REALLY OKAY IF YOUR CHILDREN DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SCHOOL
As frustrating as it might be not to have your children give you the information you need about school especially since you need to be certain that they are not struggling, but at some point you might have to throw in the towel. Yes, you might have to give up and stop asking and trying other prying tactics.
Allow them to have their dinner quietly without asking them questions; they might even appreciate the silent trip from school to home. You can arrest your anxiety and curiosity. Just let them be. You do not do this as a scheme that will manipulate them to telling you everything you want when they become uncomfortable with the silence. It may not work; it hardly ever does as they are grateful for answered prayers.
Children just do not know what to say, or they do not want to say anything at all. This should be okay with you as far as you are confident that they are not in any danger which in that case you might have other more obvious clues to work with.
Giving them a break only to begin asking them questions will simply have them clamming up more than before. You can just allow them to come to you when they just feel like it.
HOW ABOUT A DIRECT APPROACH?
Perhaps you are wondering why you need to even employ schemes to pry out information from them when you could simply ask them directly why they are not talking to you about school. Well, the outcome could play out in a couple of ways; they could simply tell you that they simply do not want to think about school since they spent a good chunk of their day there. Talking about school could just be a stress trigger for them. The other outcome could be that they did not even know that they have been keeping you in the dark as it was not probably a deliberate thing. The last thing could simply be that they do not want to.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?
You might have to understand that even though you would prefer to have your children telling you everything that happened in school, you must also not be upset when they do not give you the desired information. Do not make it about you because it is not.
You are better off accepting that asides not just wanting to let you into their life, they may sometimes not have the energy or capacity to give you the information that they did not even process themselves. They are not hiding some big secrets like the nuclear launch codes.
You know how you feel when you spent hours at work dealing with all the stress and when you finally get off, you do not even want to do or talk about anything about the workplace, children feel that way as well. Just as you do not want to go on and on about the uneventful day you had at work, children do not want to for the same reasons as well.
You can rest easy in the knowledge that children will run to you when they do something big or impressive. You will also know when something overwhelms them so you will just make do with getting the big news only. Even when there is a problem, the school will also let you know. You are not missing out. It’s okay If my kids don’t want to talk about school.
