By guest blogger, Ian Taylor.
Help, I think my child may be gay. What should I do? Am I right? Whereas I am no way homophobic, I don’t know how I will react if it’s true…
It is understandable that every parent has concerns or questions regarding whether their child maybe lesbian, gay, bisexual and/or transgender (LGBT), considering the world we live and today; and especially if the parent starts to see one or two signs.
In this article, we answer some of the most troubling questions you may have if you suspect that your child may be gay or bisexual.
Are the suspicions starting to build?
If I think that my teen might be same-sex attracted, how should I talk to them about it? They mentioned the subject several times, so I’m getting concerned.
Until your child comes and tells you that they are, or might be LGBT, you can’t know. Try not to make assumptions and let them come and tell you in their own time. Create a positive environment where your child feels able to talk to you about their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. For example, say positive things about LGBT people when they’re on TV and don’t allow others to say negative things under your roof.
Signs of pre-homosexuality
Some signs of pre-homosexuality show up early in a child’s life as what might be called “cross-gender behaviour.” Five markers, in particular, can determine whether a boy or girl is a likely candidate for gender identity disorder:
- A recurring desire to be the opposite sex — or an insistence that they are the opposite sex.
- An affinity to cross-dress.
- A strong and persistent preference for cross-sexual roles in make-believe play; persistent fantasies of being the opposite sex.
- An intense desire to participate in stereotypical games and hobbies of the opposite sex.
- A strong preference for friends of the opposite sex.
If you’ve noticed any of these signs in your child — or if conversations with him give you serious concern about his sexual identity — don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. You might even want to encourage your son to take advantage of counselling to calm any fears he has.
But I don’t agree with it
The truth is, if you’ve got a problem with the idea of your child being LGBT, you’re going to have to live with it and accept it. The best thing you can do is put your feelings to one side and remember that, regardless of your child’s sexual orientation and gender identity, you love them and want them to be happy. As for other family members: if they don’t react well initially, put some rules in place and establish what can and can’t be said in front of your child.
Talking about it is a good thing
First, a word of encouragement: It’s a hopeful sign that your child has brought up the subject of homosexuality!
One thing you can do is give them the information they need to make good decisions. LGBT young people often lack access to information about their rights, where to access support, sex and staying safe – even if you feel like you can’t talk about it personally, you should at least be able to point them in the direction of the information they need. You can contact expert Information Service for pointers.
Nothing is more important than open communication between parent and child — especially when it comes to questions about sexuality and gender identity. So before doing anything else, you might want to try drawing your son out. You might ask, “What made you curious about this?”
If you listen carefully and respond wisely, he might share more of his thought processes. This can lead to a helpful discussion of the subject. It will also strengthen your bond — and a good parent-child relationship is one of the best lines of defence against homosexuality.
What is the next step now that you know?
What can parents do?
Below are things a parent can do before their child comes out.
-
Respond to an LGBTQ character in the media
With LGBTQ visibility continuing to rise in the media, there are plenty of opportunities to breach the topic in your household. If you’re watching TV or a movie together and an LGBTQ character comes on, seize the opportunity to affirm to your child that you are accepting and supportive of LGBTQ people.
-
Stop any and all hate speech
This may seem like an obvious one, but microaggressions are a great opportunity for you to demonstrate to your child that you are an ally.
A 2018 report from the Human Rights Campaign shows that 78% of LGBTQ youth who are not out at home hear their families make negative comments about LGBTQ people.
It is crucial that your child feel that your home and ultimately you are a safe space. You must not allow hateful speech, whether subtle or overt, of any kind to be tolerated.
For example, if someone uses the word “gay” in place of “stupid,” remind them that the two are not interchangeable, and suggest they should say what they actually mean instead.
-
Educate yourself
Start educating yourself about the LGBTQ community: You don’t have to wait for the big “coming out” moment to start learning. Consider increasing your understanding of the LGBTQ experience and brushing up on the appropriate language. There is an array of vocabulary relevant to the community that you very well might not know yet.
-
Seek your own network
You’re also part of your child’s LGBTQ experience, so make sure you take care of yourself in the process. Consider getting involved with an organisation for additional support and resources. PFLAG is a great place to start.
PFLAG is the nation’s first and largest organization for LGBTQ people, their families and allies. Self-care is crucial, which means that even as you are learning how best to support your child or loved one, you must also find support for you.
This is especially true if your emotions are less positive, as you’ll need a safe place to work through those feelings. PFLAG meetings are a great and confidential way to find people who have gone through similar experiences. You can find a chapter near you by visiting here.
Another group specifically for dads is Dragon Dads, an online network and resource for religious fathers who shower their LGBTQ children with love and support.
-
Ask open-ended questions
Facilitating healthy dialogue can begin with the parent.
Give your child ample opportunity to open up and share their thoughts and feelings. Whether they want to talk about their hopes for the future or a situation that happened in school or at work that day, the prospect for open discussion is endless.
If you have a sense that your loved one might want to talk, but isn’t doing so on their own, a gentle open-ended question, such as, ‘How did things go at school/work/church today?’ can open the door to dialogue.
-
Don’t push
The importance of not jumping the gun cannot be overemphasized. Let your child take the lead.
It is important that you address this subject with great care. It may seem counter-intuitive but the best thing to do is to wait for your child to open up to you. If asked about their sexual orientation or gender identity before they’re ready to discuss it, your child might shell up, or worse, experience feelings of embarrassment or even shame. The best thing you can do is to make the conversation welcome by creating a warm and safe environment where open communication is the norm.
And when they finally are ready to talk, really listen.
Won’t being LGBT make their life harder for them?
One of the hardest things for LGBT people to face is rejection from their friends and family. New laws have made our country fairer and more equal. Same-sex couples can now get married and have children, and there is legislation to protect LGBT people in the workplace. There are more LGBT role models in the arts, politics and sport, and those people who have a problem with LGBT people are an increasingly small minority.
Support if your child comes out as bi
At Stonewall, they use ‘bi’ to mean anyone who is attracted to more than one gender. This includes, but is not limited to, bisexual, bi-curious, fluid, pan and queer. If your child comes out as bi, the best thing you can do is to recognise this identity as real and valid in its own right. While it may be tempting to assume your child is just ‘going through a phase’, this can be really damaging to bi people as it suggests what they’re experiencing is temporary and unimportant. Unfortunately, some members of the LGBT community may also suggest that bi identities are not real or valid, so if you reassure your child that their identity is valid, this can be really helpful.
While sometimes coming out as bi may be a part of someone of coming out as a lesbian or as gay, any assumptions about this can reinforce the idea that bi identities are temporary. We’d encourage you to always be led by your child in terms of how they describe their sexual orientation, and not to dismiss their feelings or experiences at any stage.
Support if your child comes out as Trans
Gendered Intelligence works with the Trans community, and those who have an impact on Trans lives. They specialise in supporting young Trans people aged 8 to 25. They have produced a free guide with Trans young people and their parents. It discusses various issues and concerns that parents and family members of Trans people have and includes useful information, stories and quotes.
Mermaids also offer support for parents of Trans young people.
