Teenage Daughters in Twin Home Relationships. Sounds like a lot of hormones and stress, right?
Well, just so I do not build up any dramatic suspense, the kids and I are alive and we are doing just fine.
This is my story…
My daughters’ mother and I divorced when my daughter was just 2 years of age. Fuelled mainly by my wife’s new partner, our relationship quickly deteriorated and bordered on being downright messy.
Due to the nature of the divorce, and false accusations made against me, I didn’t see my daughter for nearly six months. When I did, it was on a limited visitation order at my parents. It took six further months for full visitation to commence, however by this time the job had been done – the main aim was to mentally hurt, anger and upset my family and me knowing my daughter would be far too young to understand or remember.
For the next few years, I collected my daughter from Primary school, and her mother would collect her from our residence. I always tried to build bridges with my ex when chatting to her in the playground or upon collection; after all, we were together for over thirteen years, having been married for ten.
At the end of every year, there was the usual battle for which of the bank holidays we would have and which six of the twelve-week school holiday we would have. It was always a nasty and unpleasant time and would always cause further tension. However, I tried not to let my daughter see or hear our frustration, trying to protect her from it as much as possible. Not knowing what she heard at my ex’s house also helped drive me a little insane and affect my confidence.
During this time, I never missed a school play or music concert. When she had suspected appendicitis I was there as much as possible, even offering to stay over with her in the hospital when she was crying begging for her mum to stay with her, to which her mum refused as she had her now-husband and another child to look after (to which I fully understood and appreciated).
Dealing with my teenage daughter
For most parents, dealing with teenage girls can be a daunting task. More often than not, they are strong, spirited, and smart, so they usually have their own opinions, and experience things deeply.
There’s also the small problem of them going through all kinds of mental and physical changes. They begin to develop relationships and interests outside the family while building an independent sense of self along the way. Because of this, they can sometimes rub shoulders with their parents.
This is true for my girl and me as well.
So how did I deal with these challenges?
- I stopped taking things to heart:
Teenage girls are developing their opinions and identities. And that includes not accepting and kicking against what they believe to be parental control. Hard-to-handle teenage girls aren’t impossible out of spite. Instead, they tend to act under the influence of strong biological alterations. Since I learnt this, I barely disagree with her; instead, I thought we were close.
- I started to communicate better:
Parents and fathers especially should connect with their teenage girls as frequently as they can. They should learn to listen well and share whenever necessary. I quickly found out that open, easy communication between my daughter and I brought about a lot of positive benefits like
- Enhanced teen mental health.
- Reduced teen risk-taking behaviours
It would be best if you tried communicating better.
- I started to practice unconditional love:
A parent should never withdraw or withhold their love based on difficult behaviour. Teenagers (the girls especially), need to be constantly reminded that their parents will be there for them no matter what. I make sure both my children are imbibed with the idea that I will always be there for her, through thick and thin. Works like magic!
- I got more compassionate:
This new development with my girl has taught me that, with teenagers, maintaining compassion is very important. It has not just helped them; it has helped me massively as well. Studies show that humans cope better with others’ negative emotions by being compassionate, and I have found this to be especially true.
- My focus shifted towards the positives:
Even when parents are dealing with difficult teenage daughters, there are often positive moments as well. Parents can focus on what’s working. Hence, they can make sure their daughters know that they appreciate them, even when things are bumpy.
- I let them take healthy risks:
Risk-taking isn’t always a bad thing for teenage girls. In fact, a certain level of safe, positive risk-taking is essential for teens to develop their sense of self and gain self-esteem. Healthy risk-taking activities include performing, travelling, outdoor adventures, physical challenges, and entering new social situations.
- I stopped sweating on the small stuff:
Teen girls often want to express themselves by dying their hair purple, getting a new piercing, or listening to music their parents hate. The best approach is to let it go. Hence, teens feel a sense of control over their bodies and their environments. And hopefully, they won’t feel the need to push the boundaries in more dangerous ways.
- I learnt how to compromise:
It’s important for teenage girls to feel validated and understood. Moreover, parents can show trust in their daughters by taking their opinions into account. Therefore, parents and teen girls can create rules and consequences through mutual consent.
Now I simply miss her.
Every year we used to go on at least one foreign holiday, and my new wife’s family all welcomed them into theirs, treating her like a daughter and niece.
In my eye’s things couldn’t get much better. We got on so well. My fondest memory is when her mum would drop hers to our on a Friday in secondary school, and I would drive her back on a Sunday. For all of the 1 ½ hour journey, she would be DJ Sophie – banging out the tunes to which we would both sing along.
When William was due, Sophie was so looking forward to it, going to the Ultrasound to see whether she would have a brother or a sister. Both my wife and Sophie wanted a girl, where I said I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy, however would, if I had a choice, would rather a boy. Following the Ultrasound, I remember singing Happy by Pharrell Williams.
My wife and Sophie soon got used to the idea, and she came to see and meet her baby brother the day he was born. I hear she didn’t give her mum much choice; however, it must have been awkward and strange for her Mum.
Over the years, Sophie and William became very close. The look on Williams face when he would see Sophie, calling ‘Bebo’, he would run down the hallway, as she was coming through the door, it was a real picture. He had so much love and admiration for his sister.
Rolling forward to February 2018, I was in a fragile state having had a huge breakdown a month or so before, contact suddenly stopped. No one knew why no one would tell us anything. Nothing from her mum, apart from ‘I do not know’, and nothing from Sophie. It was not only breaking my heart but that of my wife and more importantly, William.
My physiotherapist advised me to contact NSPCC, to do a welfare check, however, upon calling them, they told me to call Social Services, who told me to call the Police on 111, to which I did. This I think may have made whatever matters worse; as my ex-wife was not impressed that I did this; as such made some half-cocked allegations about me reaching out to her friends and telling them to contact me; which was not true as I didn’t even know how to contact any of her friends, despite a few coming for sleepovers.
Rolling on a few years, Sophie is in currently her late teens, and we still do not know what the cause has been, and to be truthful, I feel I have moved past caring. I have never given up hope, and even if I weren’t getting a text back, I would continue to SMS her asking how she was and what’s happening over here. Trying to leave the door open for her to come back at any time, and to let her know we love here.
For her 17th birthday, my wife asked if she fancied meeting up for a meal. This could be at a restaurant of her choice, just the 4 of us, somewhere nice and special, to which she responded that this would be nice. We heard no more until a week or so beforehand when my ex-wife advised that if she were to go to the meal, then her stepdad would be there too! As you can imagine, this was not acceptable to us (which is what I think my ex-wife was counting on). When we said, he can be in the restaurant to be at a different table she refused. She even refused to go in his place. As such, the meal never happened!
I still miss her so much. Luckily contact is starting on a surface level, with some of my text messages being responded to, which gives me that little glimmer of hope that I will see her again. When we do, I am sure it will be emotional.
