I’m worried my child is mixing with the wrong type of people in infant school. Is that wrong? They are all only children?
At some point or another, many parents won’t approve of the company their children keep. It’s a pretty common story: watching a child gravitate towards a group of people who are using drugs, rebelling against the authority of various kinds or who seem self-destructive. It can be some of the most difficult territories you will ever have to navigate as a parent.
So what can you do when you have spoken to your child about choosing their friends wisely, about making right decisions, and then you find out that they are hanging out with friends who are making bad decisions and terrible choices?
First and foremost: Don’t criticise their friends
It can be challenging to watch your infant child start to make negative decisions and even more of a challenge to resist the urge to tell them exactly what you think of their rude/lazy/disobedient new buddies. Bad boys always seem more appealing and thrill-seeking.
It is also essential you don t just speak your mind without thinking, as your child is starting to form their identity around their peer group. They can be swift to view this as an attack on their own character. When you think about it, harsh criticism of anyone s friends especially when they are within the age bracket of four to eight, is naturally going to be met with a certain level of hostility as part of their instinct to defend them and can arouse strong emotion. Being in a rebellious phase can also mean that your teen’s friends’ criticism could also push your child further away.
Think about what constitutes the wrong crowd in your mind
What exactly is it about your child s friends you don t approve of? Is this based in fact or just rumours you’ve heard about them or even just fears based on aspects of their new behaviours or circumstances? Or is it because you have seen the parents, and they are not the kind of people you would mix with?
Think about specific examples of the behaviour people from their friendship group have displayed and how your child’s behaviour has changed. Just because they wouldn’t be the friends you would choose yourself, doesn’t necessarily mean they are a wrong crowd. What might have influenced this change? For example, do they have more spare time as they’ve dropped a sport or other after-school activity? Why do you think this is an issue, and what could be some reasons your child might be acting out?
You can’t choose your kids friends for them.
Your school child has to learn to manage their own relationships. This is a crucial part of learning and development at this stage in their life. If you come charging in, all guns blazing, to make all their decisions for them, it’s only going to increase the appeal and prevent them from learning how to make right relationship decisions later on in life. They are bound to make mistakes and errors of judgment, it’s a natural part of growing up. Your job is to help them make informed decisions, learn from the mistakes they make, and support them, so they can get back on track.
If this is all starting to sound a bit limiting, remember there are still some things you can do.
Clearly set out your own expectations.
You definitely can’t watch your child while he or she is in school and control who they spend time with around the clock. You can still set the boundaries on how you expect them to behave even when you aren’t around. You can set a time to be home, expectations in terms of manners and outline the types of activities they can and can’t engage in. These expectations should change with age. As your child gets older, the same rules that applied when they were 4 won’t remain the same when they are 8
Ensure they know there are consequences for their actions if your child doesn’t behave as they know they are expected to. For example, you might limit the time they are allowed to socialise the next time. Not providing transport for their social events, paying for phones/internet access or those hours of supervision work pretty well too. You should always follow through on the consequences you have warned of if you are always consistent with consequences, you will have credibility and not be easily dismissed.
Suggestions to improve your Infant Schooler’s Decision-Making:
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Don’t blame their friends.
Fight the urge to criticise your child’s friends, and don’t blame them for your kid’s bad behaviour. You may want to believe it’s the “bad” kids that are leading your child down the wrong path, but the truth is, there are no “bad kids” — only reasons that kids make poor choices.
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Open the lines of communication.
Focus on your relationship with your teen and communicating your concerns directly. Chances are your infant schooler is hanging out with these friends because they feel accepted and understood.
Try listening rather than lecturing. Seek to understand your child’s way of thinking without judgment. Spend time with your son or daughter. And then share your concerns without judging or criticising their friends. For example, “I understand that your friends are important to you, but I don’t like that Erica got arrested for smoking pot. I want good things for you. If you are hanging out with them, chances are you will make similar decisions.”
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Set clear expectations.
Communication is key, so set clear expectations and rules – and ask the right questions. While you can’t control your infant schooler’s choice of friends, you can be clear about your expectations and rules while they’re living in your home.
Don’t be afraid to say “no.” Kids need to behave responsibly in order to earn privileges. Fighting at school and skipping homework isn’t responsible behaviour. Our job as parents is to hold them accountable.
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Ask good questions.
When you try to discuss their friend set, ask questions that will make your child think rather than tell them why they should be making different choices.
“Tell me what you like about Sue and Holly,” or “How do you feel when you’re around them?” You also want them to know that you believe in them. Without realising it, parents send their kids the message, “I don’t trust you to make good decisions,” which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your words are seeds, and the messages you instil in your kids is the fruit they will bear.
Believe they can, and they will grow to believe it too.
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Make your home a safe, loving and fun place.
Ask yourself if your home is a place you’d want to be if you were six years old. If the answer is no, think about what you can do to change it. And get your child involved in positive activities. If they gravitate towards living on “the edge,” find healthy outlets to express this part of themselves.
If your school kid is hanging with the wrong crowd, fight for your child and what they need rather than fighting against these friends. No matter what choices your teen is making, they need to feel understood and accepted by you.
Instead of blaming, ask yourself what your infant’s reasons for choosing these kids might be.
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Talk to Them About Mean Friends
What if your child is hanging out with kids who mistreat him? Know that he’s hanging out with them for a reason. He’s probably afraid of them, so he’s trying to become one of them.
When kids are afraid of bullies and other kids, one of the options they have is to join the group and become a bully. Because even though these kids are mean to him, there is a sense of safety there. The deal they make is, “I’ll let you be mean to me and tease me, but you won’t abuse me or beat me up or take my lunch money anymore.”
If your kid’s friends are mean to him, the kind of questions you want to ask are:
“What are you trying to accomplish by letting people treat you this way? What are you getting out of that?”
Try to have an adult conversation with your child. You can say:
“Listen, you have choices. You don’t have to hang out with these kids. You don’t have to be a victim. I can get you help with this.”
Punishing bad behaviour
You can’t punish your child into better behaviour. Forget about over-the-top punishments or ineffective rules because you’ll just end up in a power struggle.
The right consequences actually motivate your child to good behaviour. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be a successful adult.
Use Consequences, Not Punishments
A consequence is something that follows naturally from a person’s action, inaction, or poor decision. A consequence is intended to teach or modify behaviour in a positive way. It differs from punishment, in that punishment is retribution. A punishment “gets back” at someone for something they did, with the goal of hurting that person.
It’s very tempting to deliver a harsh punishment when your child has broken a rule. If for no other reason, you might feel compelled to send the message: “I’m your parent. You need to listen to me.”
Unfortunately, punishments are not an effective way to change behaviour, nor are they a constructive way to reassert your parental authority.
Parents need to set clear rules and have realistic expectations that those rules will be followed in their household. Those rules should reflect the values of the parent.
